WARNING: This post is full of self-pity and might be hazardous to your health, so just be forewarned before you read further! Just so you know, I completely realize that I am very blessed and have many, many things going for me in life. I am just in a funk and sometimes this is the best therapy for me. I know and believe that God will take care of me...I just need to vent. If I can just get it out of my system, I often feel better and can move on.
Lately, actually for quite a long time, I have just felt that I do not have a group of friends that I belong to. If you are like me, and I think most girls are, it is nice to have a group of friends that you hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. You know that they are your group and you just belong. I want desperately to have this, yet since I moved to Texas, It just hasn't happened for me. This is in no way me saying that I don't have friends. In fact, I am friends with many people and I think this is what hurts me. We have a large young marrieds class at church. As you know, whenever there is a large group, people tend to break off into smaller groups. Since we became members at our church, Tim and I have had a goal to bring everyone together and be inclusive instead of having our class members remain in their cliques. Tim and I have talked about this a lot (poor Tim!) and he feels that whenever you know a lot of people, you either get invited and included in everything or nothing. I hear people talk (and see pictures on FB) all the time about doing stuff with each other and although I try to pretend it doesn't hurt, it does. I guess I just feel like I am a good friend and yet the close friendships just aren't happening for me. I absolutely love spending time with Tim, but it would be nice to have those girlfriends too. I warned you...I am throwing a big pity party for Jill.
Adding to my funk is the fact that Tim was informed yesterday that his last day at work will be this coming Thursday. Two weeks from yesterday will be his last paycheck. As always, Tim is taking this well. When he found out in October that he was being let go, I actually remained calm and optimistic. I knew that he had until December to find something. When that time came, and he still didn't have a job, he was told that he could stay with the company on a temporary basis while he continued looking for a job. Tim did not let this slow him down. He has been looking and applying, but with this economy and especially at this time of year, nothing has come through. Hearing that news yesterday just caused me to freak out a bit. It has been tight the past few months, but we have made it work. However, we cannot pay our bills on my salary alone. I know this isn't the end of the world and something will come along (Tim's even talked about waiting tables in the meantime), but it does cause me a lot of stress and the last thing I want to have happen is to lose our house. We have family that loves us and will do what they can to help us, but I already feel so indebted to them. We still owe family SO much for helping us with our wedding, which was 3.5 years ago. I will be 30 next month (ahh!) and I just want to feel like we can do this on our own, you know? We want so badly to start a family of our own and yet things just haven't fallen into place.
On a much, much lighter note, I am super bummed that my Sooners lost the National Championship game. Ok, I'm done now. Thanks for letting me get it out of my head.
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9 comments:
i really miss you and our small group... that really felt like family to me and we had such a great time together. i know how you feel!! i understand the pity party and i know that you know it will all fall into place when He wants it to. remember that brent and i are always just a phone call away (7 hours later). :) we love and miss you and hope to see you when we get back to va!
Your post made me cry:( I'm so glad that you were brave enough to be honest. I'll call you soon and we can "pity party" in person. love you:)
Oh, Jill, I'm sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I'm not a good phone call person, but I'll gladly talk by phone if you ever need someone to vent to. I promise to just, "UH-huh" and "I understand" and "you're right." :-)
I feel your pain! I've been in your boat a lot! :)
Time will heal everything. Be patient.
Love you!
I keep meaning to thank you for sharing in my funk last week at church. I admire you willingness to be so honest with your emotional junk because we all have it. It does make it a bit easier to get it out of my system as well so I can move forward.
I have always wanted to be involved in everything and close with everyone. I feel even more isolated as I get sick every couple months and it makes me hesitant to even make plans cause I don't know when all this stuff will hit next.
I'm always convinced you are so busy even though we are 6 houses down the street. We need to get you a key to our place, you can be our Kramer, hehe.
Jill,
Ben and I were just talking on Sunday about the 'groups' in our Young Marrieds class and how hard it is to get everyone together since there are so many of us. Wish there was a good solution, but I still don't know what it is. I'm sure you've noticed that Ben and I aren't especially outgoing, but you are welcome to come hang out and be boring with us anytime. :)
Sarah Jolly
Hey, I also think it's harder to find a "group" as time passes... Not only are their age group issues (young 20's vs. old 20's vs. 30's), but it's people with kids or people without kids or people with kids, but only your kid's age, or people with kids your kid's gender. It is really hard! I'm with you!
As you know, God always has a plan and He ALWAYS works it out somehow. I know that it does stink in the meantime though! Hang in there. You have A LOT of people who you could call anytime...me being one of them! Love you!
Girl, it is hard to find a group as you get older. As Katie said, there are all of these things that narrow down the group you're comfortable with (kids, jobs, age etc.) I've also found that you have to get along with the girl from a couple and Tim has to click with the guy to have couple friends.
It seems like it's easier to have the kind of friends you count on in a crisis (come to visit you at the hospital and offer to feed the dog while you're there), but finding the girlfriends you can go shop with and she'll really tell you your butt looks good in those jeans...that's harder.
I may be off, but the sense I'm making of it is that this "season" of life is much more focused on the family. It gets sooooo... much more so as kids enter the picture. (Sorry)
Girl friends take much more work than they used to. Boo! On the up side, it seems to swing back that direction in our 40s when our kids can hang out on their own some.
I've noticed this and thought about it bunches. That's the only sense I've made of it :) Hang in there. I just said a special prayer for Tim's job search!
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